PR Nightmares
by Master YoGurt
Summary: Qui-Gon shares a special public relations gimmick with his Padawan


Title: Public Relation Nightmares

Author: Master Yo-Gurt

Archive: M&A, my page at The Hidden Realm ([http://darkpine.net/HiddenRealm/mm/my.html][1]), anyone else please ask.

Category: Humor/Parody

Rating: PG

Warnings/Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: Oh Flannelled One, how do I love thee, let me count the ways … kooky merchandise amongst them!

Notes: This was written in response to Master Ruth's holiday gift challenge. I just looooove the trinket of very cheesy TPM merchandise I was given! * does happy hamster dance* Also see end of the story. Thanks go to Cassie for a quick and dirty beta, and to Sneezer for enlightening me about a certain little interactive something. Thanks to both of you!

Feedback: Please, always appreciated at [quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com][2]

The young man let his eyes roam over the head of the object he was holding carefully in his hands, let his fingers run over the smooth top, exploring its texture and contours. It felt good in his hands, very nice indeed. After a while his look fell to a small opening at its back, and puzzled he looked at his Master for guidance.

"Master … what's that … hole …?"

"You put *this*, like so. Very easy, you try it, Padawan." The Master demonstrated, quickly inserting the long, rigid object into the hole. A small giggle was heard, accompanied by a much deeper, more resonant, yet somewhat subdued chuckle.

"Go on, suck on it, that's what it's there for. It's fun," the older man tried to reassure his young apprentice.

"I … Master, I can't, this is so … *weird*. Master Windu would …"

"Master Windu would do it himself if he would have just an ounce of his old sense of mischief left in him. Alas, his position on the Council…" The Master trailed off. It was Mace's loss, after all! Encouragement in his eyes, he again looked at the Padawan who knelt at his feet while he sat in one of the alcoves that lined the hallways of the Jedi Temple.

"Come now, don't be shy. Others would give their right arm or other appendage for what I am offering to you here. Now … put it into your mouth and start sucking, Obi-Wan! It won't hurt, I promise." Master Qui-Gon Jinn soothingly advised the young Jedi at his feet.

Hesitation played around Obi-Wan's face, and he feltthe first sure signs of flushing on his cheeks. That his Master, of all Jedi he knew, would offer this to him! He was awe-struck by the trust and the courage Qui-Gon showed. To share this unique item, offering it to him, and him alone.

Obi-Wan felt very special, and again his hands examined the it once again, turning it around, paying close attention to even the smallest detail. 

Indeed, Master Windu would be appalled would he have knowledge about this!

"Oh, rest assured – he doesn't!" Qui-Gon had easily picked up on his Padawan's thoughts, unshielded as they were. "He would greatly admonish me if he knew about this and that I showed this to you, Obi-Wan." The Master snorted in a barely repressed fit of merriment as his young student tentatively opened his mouth and started to suck on his Master's offering. After a minute he looked up at Qui-Gon once more, his eyes mirroring the question his mind tried to formulate at that moment.

"Can you blow on it as well?" Obi-Wan'slips parted even before his Master had given his permission. Qui-Gonlooked on as Obi-Wan explored, tasted … yes, in fact *enjoyed* what he was doing!

"Yes, Obi-Wan, you may blow on it as well. But be careful, don't take too much into your mouth at once," the older man guided his apprentice.

"So … you like the taste?" Experienced eyes shone down onto Obi-Wan as he alternated between sucking and blowing, and then back to sucking, taking in another gulp of the sticky, whitish fluid.

"Hmmmm … *Hmmmm*****!"A tiny drop spilled out of Obi-Wan's mouth and he almost choked at the sight of the two figures coming up to them right behind his Master.

"Mmmmmhhh, hmmm…" There was a certain urgency in Obi-Wan's voice as he hastily gulped the contents of his mouth down, struggling to stand up from the floor. Alarmed Qui-Gon turned his head and moved to stand up himself when he recognized the men approaching rapidly. 

"Master Yoda, Mace!" he said, bowing and attempting to hide the offending item from their view. With a quick motion he drew his robe tightly around his length – to no avail.

"Qui-Gon! How could you! Didn't I specifically ask you not to implement your "scheme" until the Council had a better understanding of the implications of what exactly your plan would entail? Didn't you agree not to compromise our stance on this issue? Now, *look at you!*" Mace was clearly exasperated by this display of sheer obstinacy his friend had shown -- no wonder Qui-Gon would never sit on the Council, Mace thought and helplessly looked down at his fellow Councillor. Master Yoda barely reached up to his knees, but was fuming and thus a most commanding presence nonetheless.

"Yes, your idea to promote the Council, its members, make them "user friendly" to young initiates and Padawans -- failed it has! Laugh at us, they do. Snickering they are, behind our backs! Stop this, you must, Qui-Gon!" Master Yoda's ears agitatedly flapped up and down as he shakily held a little green doll into his hands, showing it to his former Padawan and Obi-Wan for closer inspection.

"Ridiculous, this is!" he huffed as the little Muppet-like figurine of Master Yoda sputtered out such wisecracks as "Let the Force flow" and "The Force is mighty, brilliant and wise!"

"Wrong syntax it uses, correctly I speak, not garbled like that.Ridiculous, Sith!" the little, very livid Master kept complaining to his former student.

"Yes, Qui-Gon, I think you've gone distinctly too far with your brilliant PR idea to promote awareness of the Jedi Council! And *this* is unbelievable…" Mace grabbed the plastic container with lid from under Qui-Gon's robe, holding it up to get a better look at it.

It was a plastic cup, about 15 inches tall, with a lid that looked like … *Mace Windu*, complete with bald head and movable arms, not to forget the hole in its back to insert the long, over-dimensional straw into it to consume whatever this cup had been filled with.

Suspiciously Mace opened the lid, sniffing at the contents of the cup.

"As I thought – Kilgrana syrup. You know how hyper the young ones get after they drink this unhealthy concoction." And with a very disgusted face Mace poured the white liquid into one of the potted plants that lined the alcove.

"Get rid of this … NOW! And I hope, for your own sake, that this is but the prototype of this … *thing*!" Mace disgustedly uttered as he closed his fingers around his plastic likeness. At his last words the Councillor had turned an even darker shade of … well, dark, if that was possible. Ruefully Qui-Gontucked his hands into his robe sleeves, guiltily looking from one Master to the other.

"Yes, it's the only one, Mace. But you should have seen how much fun it was when Obi-Wan …" Recognizing that tell-tale vein on Mace's forehead that always appeared before his friend bordered on popping his "lid", so to speak, Qui-Gon lowered his eyes and apologetically looked at his former Master.

"*Sith* this doll is, get rid of it as well, you will. Mind-sweeps for everyone who played with it, there shall be! Forget we must this disaster, hm!" And for emphasis Yoda tapped his cane onto the hard floor, his taps echoing ominously through the halls.

"Yes, my Master, I shall collect all Yoda dolls and …" letting his glance sweep over to Mace "… this cup ornament, all shall disappear, as you wish." //Spoilsport!// Qui-Gon added to himself, but his thoughts were mirrored so clearly on his face, Mace couldn't help but shoot a withering look in Qui-Gon's direction.

"You wait, my *friend*, until there will be dolls of *you* and your Padawan around … dressed up in all sorts of ridiculous garb!" For an instant, Mace's face brightened, as if precognizancehad struck him out of nowhere, before he gave a short nod in Qui-Gon's and Obi-Wan's direction, effectively dismissing them. 

A sad little look showed on Obi-Wan's face as he longingly took one last look at the Mace Windu Ornamental Cup Topper.

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, but you've heard the Masters." With long faces both Master and Padawan went their way, leaving Mace and Yoda standing in the hall, still cursing the day they ever had listened to Qui-Gon's little public relations campaign.

"The Sith will come back before we'll ever live that one down!" Mace groaned and covered his eyes with his hand.

"Fear I do, Sith will come indeed." Both Councillors turned on their heels to start damage control for their bruised and battered egos.

The End!

Additional notes: The 32 oz. cup and cup topper/lid in the shape of Mace Windu was one of 12 different ones issued by three fast food chains (Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut), a picture of which can be seen here:http://www.toyspress.co.jp/gradener/pepsi/cap/may113.jpg

   [1]: http://darkpine.net/HiddenRealm/mm/my.html
   [2]: mailto:quigon_jinn21@hotmail.com



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